How to Affect Change in your clients and students

Answer; You can't.

Well.

Not directly.

But you can be a powerful transformational coach. And in this post, I will spill the secret of affecting transformation in your client.

These gold nuggets apply to whichever field your are coaching in. It makes no difference whether you are a relationship coach, marriage coach, dating coach, nutrition coach, business coach or any other kind of coach.

Let's dive in.

Active Listening

Say someone is talking to you.

How do you listen?

Option 1; Officially listen but rather distracted actually.

Option 2: Listen whilst the cogs in your brain are churning thinking of how you can add value to the conversation and say your piece. So you are somewhat listening and at the same time, working on what you are going to say next.

Option 3; Or. You listen. Nothing else is going on. You are breathing and .. listening.

Yeah. It's as simple as that!

The way to practice listening is to, well you will find many opportunities to listen, because people love to talk, to share especially when they have found a listening ear. If you can listen to someone talk about an experience and really listen without interrupting until he/she is done, and then play it back in a few short words, encapsulating the essence of the full twenty minutes monologue, and the person says, "exactly" - "you got it" then you can congratulate yourself and I qualify you as a good active listener.

I remember very soon after I learned this and was keen to practice listening. I was at a kiddush and saw someone I knew and we started talking. Whereas previously I would insert my penny's worth as soon as I could get a word in edgeways, this time, I calmly stayed quiet and listened without any agenda. She spoke and I listened and this encouraged her to speak more and she felt good while she did. As we ended the conversation, this woman said to me with a genuine look on her face, "It was so good talking to you"

I was quite incredulous; "It was so good speaking? - I didn't even say anything! There was no added value!" But oh there was.

And so there will be value with the next person that you listen to.

It may be the biggest gift you can give to someone. Really listen to them. Deep breath and listen. Listen until they are done talking.

They may stop but looking at their expression, you intuit they have more to say. Stay quiet thus inviting them to continue.

Your conversations will change.

Your relationships will change.

And congrats, because you have the first and foremost competency in being an expert coach.

Powerful Questioning

Once you have listened so well, without any agenda, you are ready for the next competency which is powerful questioning.

See, the client is urgently waiting for you to solve his/her problem, fast. And that can be pressurising especially when you are new in the field.

That's why it is very important, to know your role and your skill here.

We are tempted to jump in and offer, nay insist - on all the tips, techniques that the client should implement. If only they would listen to our advice, they would get the result, right?

W-r-o-n-g.

Difficult as this may seem, our role is to listen so well to the client, watch his/her body movement, without knowing how the solution! Yes, being okay with not knowing, is a sign of a professional competent coach. And, once the client is done talking, you ask permission to playback what you have heard.

"Is it ok if I check my understanding of what you have just said?"

Invariably, the client will not her head - and when you do play back, do it succinctly.

And then follow with a question.

Which question you may ask, and the answer is any. It will come to you. If you have been truly actively listening.

Powerful Questions begin to affect change, because this will bring us to;

Creating Awareness

Creating awareness is what happens when you, as a coach, have listened well and asked a great powerful question.

The client then is challenged in a supportive place to answer the question and this can bring him/her to a new realisation. We call it an "Aha" moment.

So, next time you are practicing with a client. Please. Do me a favour, and take a few deep breaths and relax. Relax and listen. Listen well.

We don't know the solution to their problem, what we do know is that they have their solution.

When we step out of the urgency to find a solution; focus on the person not the problem, that's when real shifts begin to take place.

It goes deeper...

Why do we rush to give tips and advice?

See, like with all effective skills, there is a real reason that sits behind it.

See, when say a client is getting frustrated she's not getting the result, then we, as new coaches, may feel already panicky inside. And while you may not show it, the body always lets us know where we are truly at. And if we find ourselves rushing to offer tips, tools, advice, then maybe it's because we feel we are not valuable enough.

Wooooaaah.

There, let's get it out. We offer tips to add value to who we already are.

We add value when we feel we are not valuable enough.

Truth is; you, dear coach, dear mother, dear friend, are valuable. Full stop.

That's the beauty of listening.

It's giving the client the gift of your presence.

Your presence is priceless.

It is.

There is no need for more.

Pause.

How does that feel?

Look, next time you are with a client and client is getting desperate, you may be curious as to how you react and go forth with your coaching.

In any case, you are now aware. And with the awareness you will learn about yourself as a coach and are able to gift yourself with this reflection post - session.

As a mother too. You are not always granted the wisdom to solve all your childrens issues all of the time.

But the gift of your presence will do wonders for them.

I invite you to think of a time when you were together with another person; a spouse, child, client, student or friend. How did that feel? Can you revisit that experience?

Conclusion; trying to change the other person, will not work through offering advice, tips and tools. Those are only affective when the client is already decided to go on the path forward.

However. The beauty of silence. Presence. Listening, is you. And you, is what he/she needs right now.

Were you ever heard deeply like that? Is your voice being heard right now? or is it squelched and you are too involved serving all around you.

Why do I ask?

Because here's the thing.

If your voice is not being deeply heard, you will not be available to deeply listen to your clients (children etc).

OOOH OOOH OOOH.

Tough stuff.

But maybe not so much.

Because, can we just take a minute to feel what it would be like for you to yes be deeply heard.

How different would you feel?

Listen, I remember the moment, I remember where I was, when this realisation dawned on me; actually hit me like a wave of clarity;

I can only be as compassionate to others as I am to myself.

Get it?

Lets not pretend here; if I am speaking to myself with judgement and expectations that are beyond my best at present, then I will not be able to be there as a coach for my client.

End of.

What a beautiful journey; here you thought you'd take a coaching qualification or be a mother/teacher/therapist and you are henceforth catapulted into a gentle but wild journey of self growth.

Wow.

So let's recap. In the reverse now; First and foremost, we need your voice deeply heard. without judgement, with worthy compassion. We need you, dear mother, wife, coach, to experience the value of who you are.

Let's take care of that first. Talk to someone who will listen all the way. Journal. Do it in the way you like, but please do it.

Next, when you are with your client, you listen. Without an agenda. Without knowing the outcome.

Then, you ask a powerful question.

Then you stay quiet as you create a new awareness for your client, opening new vistas of growth.

Do we realise just how powerful this is?

Stay tuned, there is more to come.